So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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