so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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