i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
