I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
