I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
