K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My vagina just recognized that song.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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