I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
