He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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