My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
