you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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