Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
