I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
