I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No subtext here. People are naked.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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