Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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