Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
