my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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