Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
