Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
