My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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