Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
