Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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