I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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