You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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