I haven't been this sober since birth.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
