Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
