i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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