Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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