I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
