I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
