She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
