you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
