she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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