I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
