mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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