Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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