At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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