I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
