My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
