I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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