My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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