Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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