someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
