He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
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Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
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A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E