Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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