Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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