these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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