I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
