If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
