you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's never too late to be topless.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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