i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
