I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
