They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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