i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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