your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
