I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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