You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
