I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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