The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
